My Daughter's Birthday

Today is my second daughter’s first birthday. When I dropped her off at daycare this morning the teachers had a sign and balloons and started singing Happy Birthday. Then Ms. Nadiyah came over to me and said, “Can you believe it! She’s one!”

When people say: I cannot believe it! what they mean is: I can’t believe a year has gone by. The old quote comes to mind: "The days are long but the years are short." Only this year did feel long. And when I look back on this first year of her life, I can’t help but summarize it as pain.

Because she came three weeks early, I wasn’t prepared. I hadn’t set up the bassinet. I hadn’t gone grocery shopping. Worst of all, I hadn’t shaved. My legs, my armpits… anywhere. And when the male OB walked in to introduce himself, my face flamed.

So I lied on that operating table not in excitement but shame. I couldn’t see what the doctors were doing behind the blue sheet they put in front of me, but I knew what they were seeing.

Also, we didn’t have a name. Everyone kept saying ‘you’ll know when you see her’ but nothing came. I will never understand why people say that. I mean, they look like a potato with less hair than my vagina.

After two days, the name still hadn’t come. I sent a list out on a piece of computer paper to the nursing desk. When one nurse came in the room holding our list (which was tallied even across the three options) I asked: Which name do you like?

She wouldn’t answer conclusively (no one would). She only said: "I have four kids. When I chose their names I thought about what it would be like screaming their name on the sports field. Go Evan! Go Evan!"

Layla, I told Jay wasn’t something you could shout easily from the stands. But every time I came back to Elizabeth, Jay said no. Something about not wanting people will think we named her after the Queen. I kept saying: What Queen? (we’ve been together so long I don’t hear his accent anymore, let alone remember he lived most of his life in a country with a Queen). Fine, I said, there’s only one option left.