Things We Don't Say

The fight with my parents has seemingly resolved itself, yet the past week I’ve been waking at 3 a.m. in what I believe are panic attacks.

This is new for me. I don’t really panic. I get sad. I cry. But I don’t stress. I tend to avoid that emotion, bypassng it through cleansing emotional outbursts. Clearly, however, something was bubbling up.

There was something that happened. A few weeks ago Jay and I got into bed and even though we always say we’ll go to sleep early, we end up watching something, then talking. This particular night, I remember telling him how content I was. I’d just gotten a royalty check (they come every three months, some, like this one, bigger than others) and it felt like a sign - a good time to bring up the conversation I'd been trying to have.

“I think it’s good,” I said. “That I’m doing this now. Being here for the girls.”

“Yeah,” he said, “But you’re gonna have to go back to the corporate world sometime. The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be.”

“Wait, I said. “I’m confused (I genuinely was). I thought we both agreed this was the new arrangement.”

To be honest, I don’t know what our arrangement is. I’ve tried to bring it up, hash it out, a few times, but it always gets muddied, some argument derailing it before any type of solidified arrangement is agreed upon.

I thought I’d said it in so many ways. It being that I was done applying. That I’d spent the last fifteen years working full-time, having two kids, writing on the side, and now, laid-off and burdened by the new load of children, it's not that I can't go back to the 'corporate world' but I won't.

I've applied to enough jobs to know what's out there, what they'll pay me and I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather bet on myself. I’d rather make half the money, focus full-time on my writing and card business, and use the rest of my time and energy for my other job - mothering.

I know his side of the argument. Writing is not stable income. He wants us to have money. To have nice things, like buy expensive cars and take nice vacations. I just want to survive and feel fulfilled. Thus, we’ve been dancing around this topic since my severance ended in July and I wanted to put a line under it.

But this conversation is tricky. It’s not just about money (which I know is one of the main drivers of marital tension). It’s about a lot of things. Roles and responsibilities. Fairness. Men and women.